So, just like that. It ended. I don't exactly know what ended, but the words echoed in my head: "It ends." I was crossing my driveway at the time, and recognized the distinct voice as my own.

At the time, I was more interested in a dialogue, "What ends?" I questioned. No reply though. Then it hit me that it was odd that I was trying to talk to myself. I let it go; a figment spawned by my weary mind, I rationalized. Dream remnants, if you will.

-

IVC taught me well. There was this perfect balance of mistakes with learning that left me fluent in language and mathematics. I was giddy the morning of my class, I hit up the Phoenix Grill and grabbed a cup of coffee, and figured I should get to class early. I found my room, and thought of my first day of IVC, when I entered the dirty gray room that was soon to be my Philosophy class. "This room is cleaner looking," I noted.

The teacher was soft spoken. His words were precise and descriptive. His vocabulary bested anything I had even experienced. All of his ideas were completed with a glance to the ground and a terse "mmhm," under his breath. I made the mistake of asking a simple question. My mathematics was a little under-exercised, but the confidence was still in it. Like an aged out of shape marathoner believing he could still run a marathon because he did it "one time," I hung around after class and challenged a proof.

"I have a question," I said.

"Alright."

The last person exited the classroom, and he took a seat. The notion that he was nervous passed through my mind (I often find a seat when I am nervous).

I had prepped, I pulled a marker from my backpack, and began to write on the board. Instantly, and I do mean the instant my marker hit the board I was already defeated. The first thought in my mind had been a fallacy. No one was impressed.

I left feeling quite defeated, and shaken.

Similar happenings emerged in my classical mechanics class. My logic skills are still up to par though, so that is a positive.

Beating my head against a wall...

I am so constantly, and tirelessly amazed at the insanity of some particular individuals. Often times, I feel I might very well be arguing with limited mental capacities. So often, it is the case that I am pouring my total effort in to reason and it is as though every single statement I make, exists in isolation, separate from the context, and independent of statements which precede it.

It is surreal. It is as though they are entirely aware of what the truth of the matter is, but do everything they can to evade it.

Recently, the heat as made me tired. So, rather than argue I will just stare, in my little stupor, as they say words that are supposed to hold such profundity but ultimately exist in isolation from any kind of profound truth,

"What is the mathematical formula for math itself?"

"Prove that beauty exists"

"Explain to me how a catapiller becomes a butter fly," My dad says. "If I can't, does this mean there is no explanation?" I wonder to him, out loud. "No, it is just inexperience, with your soul," he responds. A sense of foreboding washes over me. If it makes any sense to say so, my sense of self just sank a little bit, and I do believe the world just got a little darker looking.

Initially, I go in to the conversation, alert, feeling good. Then, about an hour later, I will feel the wear of the conversation. Nothing is getting accomplished, no one is gaining understanding. It's a chance for him to practice his defenses against reason and my chance to practice getting rhetorically defeated by insanity.

I woke up just a few minutes prior to ten in the AM. I grab the coffee cup from the day before sitting on my desk, and flip on my Mr.Coffee cup warmer. I then head downstairs. Every two or three steps the familiar jingle of the television turning on and off can be heard. "It sounds broken," I think to myself. I get downstairs and see my girlfriend's father sitting on the couch, just staring at a blank screen. He is holding the remote and is persistent in his efforts to persuade it to stay on. "It is most definitely broken," state my impulses. Wanting to verify, I ask "Is the TV not working?"

"Sometimes, it just needs a little time to warm up before it turns on."
"Looks broken."

He mumbles something, completely and totally incomprehensible. He doesn't like when people state the horrible truths. With this individual, things just seem to work better when only nice things are said. The TV being broken, and thus stating out loud that it is broken, is just the kind of thing that breaks TVs.

Change of topic

Recently, I've taken to a few "self improvements". I have a nasty habit of harvesting z's amongst the daylight hours. I figure that while most people till the lands during the day, I shall till the books in the night. This isn't always the case I've found. Since the mind has grown accustomed to the summer laze, it has taken its sweet time conjuring up motivation for what, for as accurately as I can recall, were tasks that were automatic. There was a time when I went to the gym everyday and it was easy. Now? I'm a god damned escape artist! From myself! So, I've created a sleep schedule to stick to.

Another thing is this new declaration of vegetarian. The acceptances have been mixed. Some are certain I will explore this avenue for awhile and ditch it, others suggest that I am not even a vegetarian and that this is less than a phase, and some full on think I can do this. Some don't even care - I ask them, "Did you know I declared myself vegetarian?" They look at me, "Really? Cool..." and then a topic change.

I'll elaborate more another time. I need to get to bed now.

"I am my own cloudy sky!" he continued on, and on, in a nonsensical manner.

OH! The boredom.

Summer is here, so I LAZE. Oh, how I freaking laze. I think I want to do something else, and what ends up happening? LAZING.

I'm working on interesting articles behind the scenes, but I think I miss the point of blogging. It sort of breaks down in to, "Lets follow Bohrstein down some thought experiment where he contemplates trivial everyday happenings," says some abnoxious reporter, live and on the scene. It's not exciting, most people don't care; I have nothing to give. I'm also constantly lacking in the mathematics, or so I feel. See, why would I write that?

Gosh, I'm in a dreary mood today.

Out.

Barely conscious...

I have been awake for 18 hours now, that isn't really a long day (actually, that's pretty normal), but because I have been up for an entire night, for some reason, this is thrashing me. Sure, maybe it was the trip to the gym, and the huge load of laundry and all the cleaning I did, coupled with a stressful family dinner, but "meh," I say.

The all nighter serves a purpose. Since school has ceased for a little over a week now, my life has tripped over itself. For years now, I have been in school nonstop with little more than, at most, a weeks break (oh, and the Christmas breaks). I now have MONTHS free. My brain can't comprehend this, so I have maintained studying. The problem is, I don't know what to study. I've downloaded entire science, mathematics, and philosophy collections, searching for the eBook which seems about my level so that I may continue. For about a day I was reading about quantum mechanics, and tensors for general relativity. After reviewing my future UCI course load, I'm finding I don't need the tensor knowledge until graduate school. Drat, what the heck am I to study then? I realize that I had been excited about tensors and then pause to consider what the upper division courses will consist of. "Please be interesting," I beg to the ghostly concept.

A slight divergence. I'll be honest, I am a little disheartened by the fact that I won't be taking any advanced mathematics courses. A close friend of mine is a mathematics major, he is gleeful because he gets to take a topology course, and a set theory class in his first year. I flip through the course book; lower division: Quantum Mechanics, and General Relativity, upper division: Quantum Mechanics, and General Relativity again. What do I study in graduate school, you may wonder? Quantum Mechanics, and General Relativity. I smile at this. I am a Philosophy of Science major (POS) as well, I figured it suits me well due to the fact that I sometimes can sit and stare and be blown away by my own existence. I don't want to write myself off as a nut, but I sometimes like to imagine that, while the whole of Physics (P) is not entirely wrong, it is missing out on some large part of reality, "something hidden in plain site," I imagine to myself. It's just fantastical dreaming, but, man, I wonder.

Anyways, since I am supposed to be double majoring P and POS, I was reading the POS course load as well: Quantum Mechanics, and General Relativity. Oh, and an elementary set theory class *glee*.

Internet Vagrancy

I am writing to help keep myself awake for another 5 hours. Around this time in my plan, I find that after the thrill of reading, studying, or anything constructive and playing video games have worn off.  This leaves me in a state of internet vagrancy, i.e. virtually wandering about the internet. I googled "philosophy tired," and aside from the makeup I can get for my tired little eyes, I found this article by Jeff Williams on some seemingly obnoxious site.

Jeff is a terrible thinker:

For many years I have said that being tired is a state of mind. I feel that the only way one becomes tired is if they let themselves, into that realm of thinking. If one truly believes they are not tired, then why should they be? 

Jeff continues,

According to Wisegeek.com, it is said that we as humans only use 10% of our brains; reason being, we don't use every neuron in our brains. So what about the other 90%? Imagine if we did use every neuron. The question that comes into question is what would we be capable of?

Jeff is wrong. I checked out his source.

His source didn't say that either.In fact, it specifically says

...Therefore, we’re using much more than a one tenth fraction of our brains at any given time... 

In short, Jeff seems to think that because when we feel tired we are capable of getting up and moving around to get a little extra waking up, this implies the ability to train our bodies to stay awake indefinitely by somehow using "the other 90% of neurons that are not used". He then claims that athletes have the capability of controlling the chemicals being released in their bodies. He then mentions something about narcoleptics and staying awake, and then concludes that...

...If one has enough body control to control their chemicals in one's body, then one should truly be able to say tired is a state of mind. We as humans could be capable of this if we discover a way to explore the 90% of neurons that we do not use. These neurons should give one capabilities of blocking chemical levels that put one to sleep...

Ok, Jeff.

Distracted?

Started the new semester today. I am excited, for the first time I will have a chance to study modern Physics in an academic setting (as opposed to the non-mathematical texts I read on the toilet, or scanning about the web).

Let me back track for a moment though. About a week and a half ago I got the invitation to join the Abstract Algebra honors class (Math 13 at IVC). Last time I was offered an honors track of classes was in junior high; for English. I turned it down, but I used to be way ahead of my peers, and I continually failed all of my classes - they figured I wasn't being challenged. I don't even know. I don't think I have demonstrated any worth in these things; I'm not a great mathematician, but I enjoy it. Some argue this is enough.

Anyways, I figured I should give it an honest effort for at least the track of time before I can drop it without taking a fail, i.e. until February 2nd (I think) as long, I reasoned, that it doesn't jeopardize the major related classes. Don't get my wrong, I'm not a 'grade grubber' but one of the things I have come to realize over time is that, I can't honestly fulfill my interest in all things. I do my best to focus on everything I feel I can put an honest effort in to, and my attraction to generality is usually a pretty useful tool, which allows me to spread my mind across several topics in a short period of time. For example, working in mathematics allows me to study set theory, as well as physics, as well as computer science. My interests in philosophy seem to allow a connection between any literary attractions as well as the obvious logical connection within mathematics. Anyways, long story short, I would love to ignore my grades, and enroll in endless classes and take all I can from them in the short time I am allotted, but truth is: time is valuable. I don't have endless amounts of it, and I have to be selective.

So, Math 13 isn't necessary, I don't even think I am required to take it at all (I might at UCI), but it is something which strikes me deeply with a sense of familiarity, it is something I feel I can 'roll' with. So, I say, I am going to give it a chance.

The other problem is that it is at 9 am in the morning. I don't function well that early.

The other class is Electromagnetism, which also is a brilliant subject in and of itself, and Linear Algebra: A class I have honestly been looking forward to since, junior fucking high. I must have been quite the little genius, geez. The reason, you ask? Well, I liked to play video games a lot when I was in junior high, and while I was showing myself around the programming languages (C and C++ specifically), I came across a wonderful little API: OpenGL (which has lost most of its luster over the years), which was governed by the math known as, yup, Linear Algebra.

Also in the news, I recently bought an Apple MacBook, which as proven to be a brilliant little machine with a wonderful operating system ("PC people" bang on Macs more than they deserve). I never bought in to the mac bashing because, well, I had no basis really. Of course, I didn't realize the amount of crap that was borne from the mouths of Mac bashers until I actually bought one of these things. But that is for another day, why I bought one is the interesting part: Specifically, to attempt to pay for college. See, "The Girl" bought me an iPod Touch a year ago for Christmas and a few months later Apple opened up the platform (the iPhone OS) to development. So, I decided I'd take this opportunity to spend some time developing applications for it (specifically games) to see if I can make a few dollars. Just to familiarize myself with the routine of development, I created a WAR game which I just submitted to Apple for review. With any luck, by the weeks end it will be on the application store, selling for $0.99. From an ethics point of view, I almost feel as though I am doing some great injustice to its purchasers, but I always argue: I am not covering up the applications lack of greatness with some odd persuasive advertising techniques, and I am not forcing people to buy it (I can't anyways).

I started a 'company'. It's not a real company (hence the 'wit quotes') and if it was one, it'd consist of me, and my friend. I'm the programmer and he would be the acting artist. I just needed a name to work under: this is it.

The Grouch and See? I'm not bitter and crazy...

The Grouch

SO...

Yeah, it's nearing the end of the semester, a time where much mixed emotions filter in to the steaming hot mug that is me.  I.e. said feelings are kind of like creamer, and I'm just sitting there on the counter, and one can observe the feelings mixing in a cool little dance.

I am wrapping up what will be, probably, the most hectic mathematical semester of my existence. I took 2 of the top level classes, and one class which I often argue is a joke (but really, it should have not been), and one that I just kind of enjoyed: Vector Calclus, Differential Equations, Physics 4A, and Discrete Mathematics.

I've got to say, I've surpassed all of my own expectations and nervousness about said classes. I thought myself to be quite the dummy, and very insecure about my mathematical abilities (rightfully so, as I've maintained a C average most of my life), and now I am coming out on top in some of these classes (As and Bs). Go me. Next semester I dive in to my physics classes with Physics 4B, and 4C (Electromagnetism, and Relativity/Quantum Mechanics respectively), and a class that I have been looking forward to since junior high (no joke!): Linear Algebra.

If all goes well, next semester I get my acceptance letters and I will be spending my falls basking in the flourescent glow of the lights within the Science Library at UCI. 

All of this worrying about success, and whatnot has had me thinking a lot about optimism, and pessimism. That and I was recently described as the grouch in the house. I tend to have a problem with what I usually sense as false (or fake) optimism (and I usually point it out). As I've already explained, things like "well at least...," usually perterb me (my friend insists I am an ass because of this). Or when someone purposesly ignores a potential negative to narrow in on a positive. For example, today I took a test in Differential Equations (DE) and did iffy. A local turd said "Ah, not bad!" I said "What?" (I thought he was implying that 'iffy' was a good thing)

"Well," he continued, "It's not good, and it's not bad! So I say, not bad!" 

"Oh," I rolled my eyes.

OK, so when I am feeling impatient, I have to wonder if I am behaving in a rational manner - I find that I am coming up quite short on this one. I can't figure what is the most 'rational' way to behave. 

I often try to keep in mind that I want to perceive the world in an as much a 'realistic' light as possible. I.e. I don't try to sugar coat things, and I don't try to paint things in a dark demeanor. I try to use any skills I have for describing things, not my interpreting skills. I.e., reality is to be described, not interpreted like a piece of art. So I feel it makes sense for me to be irked when someone alters the truth of what I feel I am accurately perceiving. It's like being lied to, in a sense. 

None the less most people, it seems, are optimistic or better yet (I think) hopeful.  

An example:
Often, after a math test for example (such as tonight), I find myself humored as we gather about outside the door to discuss our test. It's interesting to note how unsure everyone is (and rightfully so, since none of us have the answers) and yet how optimistic we are. We discuss the problems we remember as being annoying, and usually a group majority will come to a consensus about what the solution actually is. Even if one is out numbered in their solution, that one will usually believe they are the correct. I have done this, friends have, and at least 3 other students did this tonight. And, of course, the other students (the one part of the group consensus) feel they are correct. So, everyone feels as though they have succeeded (via some self-fulfilling confirmation bias) and thus feel content when going home.

I prefer to feel iffy. Because, then, I am not commiting. I am in, and rightfully so, a state of unknowing. I am certain that sharing our answers doesn't increase the likelyhood of any problem being more correct than the other, as all it does is demonstrates that the group is in agreement. I think this is reasonable, and I don't see the fault with it. Sure, it isn't coated in sugar, but it seems to be the most honest (which is better, in my opinion).

But, this doesn't change the fact that I am the grouch of the house. Yeugh!

See? I'm not bitter and crazy...

This guy, Bjarne Stroustrup. Developer of C++, gets what is going on with CS students these days. I'd love to see some change - alas, I am never to return to this field in academia again.